Saturday, August 18, 2012

How to Give a Pill to a Cat

First off, I turned off verification.  Yeah, I hate those "prove you're not a robot" word verifications too, an effort to avoid spam.  They're difficult to read.  Blogspot even started using fuzzy photos of numbers that you had to enter.  Many of my friends told me that they tried to comment on our blog but couldn't get by the verification process.   So, at least for now, I've turned it off.  Comment away (Douggie).

Drift Away News:

Doggie Olivia news- she's perfectly fine.  Whatever caused her right rear leg to swell is gone and she's her usual pain-in-the-ass puppy self.

Kitty Dirty Gertie is another story.  If you recall, Dr. Gaul at Chatham Animal Hospital in Savannah did everything he could possibly do for Gertie's breathing problems and came up stumped.   We then moved south to Brunswick and needed to see a new vet.  We took her to Cheek to Cheek Animal Hospital based on the recommendation of our friends over on Istaboa.  Doctor Guy Cheek reviewed everything and is as stumped as Dr. Gaul.  Gertie's breathing is labored and she wheezes horribly.  It looks like feline asthma, but xrays show nothing.  I told Dr. Cheek that I thought Gertie was faking it to get attention.  Regardless, Guy prescribed four different drugs for Gertie.   We filled them at Seaside Pharmacy, who, instead of pills, compounded them into a tuna flavored liquid so that Gertie might actually take them.

Have any of you tried to give a pill to a cat?  It ain't easy.  With apologies because I don't know who the original author is, here's how it's done....

  1. Sit on sofa. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your elbow as though you were going to give a bottle to a baby. Talk softly to it.

  2. With right hand, position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. (be patient) As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.  Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.

  3. Pick the pill up off the floor and go get the cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. Sit on floor in kitchen, wrap arm around cat as before, drop pill in mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.

  4. Scoot across floor to pick up pill, and go find the cat. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Bring it back into the kitchen. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
  5. Pry claws from back legs out of your arm. Pick up half-dissolved pill from floor and drop it into garbage can.

  6. Retrieve cat from top of closet. Call spouse from backyard.  Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

  7. Retrieve cat from curtain rod, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

  8. Get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

  9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

  10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.

  11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

  12. Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take another pill from foil wrap.

  13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour one cup of water down throat to wash pill down.

  14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

  15. Get last pill from bottle. Go into bathroom and get a fluffy towel. Stay in the bathroom with the cat, and close the door.
  16. Sit on bathroom floor, wrap towel around kitty, leaving only his head exposed. Cradle kitty in the crook of your arm, and pick up pill off of counter.

  17. Retrieve cat from top of shower door (you didn't know that cats can jump 5 feet straight up in the air, did you?), and wrap towel around it a little tighter, making sure its paws can't come out this time. With fingers at either side of its jaw, pry it open and pop pill into mouth. Quickly close mouth (his, not yours).

  18. Sit on floor with cat in your lap, stroking it under the chin and talking gently to it for at least a half hour, while the pill dissolves.

  19. Unwrap towel, open bathroom door. Wash off scratches in warm soapy water, comb your hair, and go find something to occupy your time for 7-1/2 hours.

  20. Arrange for SPCA to get cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


  1. That is Grea-- LMAO!! Are you sure you're not author Dave??

    1. No, I didn't write it. I wish I did. It's been floating around the internet for many years.

  2. I hope your Blog doesn't crash when it gets hit 100,000 times!!

  3. What are we going to do when robots revolt and joking the zombies? Go cruising.